There was an African and Englishman and two girls from Croatia


There was an African and Englishman and two girls from Croatia


No it is not the start of an interesting joke or the cast list for a Porn flick it is the precise number of people waiting for passengers at Terminal 5 on a Friday evening. Judi is on the last plane to land. I have my sign ready to hold up but to be honest if she can not recognize me in this small but dedicated group then as the say in the films “Huston we have a problem”.


Well of course she finds me and off we trot to the car park. Try the first pay station and put in my ticket the screen responds by saying “welcome to the hardware wizard” which is not a good start. Move on to the next one and it says 10 pounds 26 ( I am 3 minutes over the 2 hours ). Ok got cash and look for the place to stick it in but pasted over the paper money slot is a “not in use” label. Ok now lets fumble around for my credit cards. Judi suggests we use hers and given my recent record with cards I am quite grateful. I remember a huge banner in the entrance to T5 from British Airways saying “welcome to our home” well to be honest sunshine your home needs a bit of work.


Next thing is to navigate around the perimeter of Heathrow which I used to do every other week so it is an easy task. Then M4, M25, M40 Off at the Uxbridge turn off and towards Gerrards Cross and the next thing you know its Saturday morning. Only a slight panic waking up and wondering where I am. Not helped by the fact that Judi is not there. Judi “Never” gets up before me especially at weekends. Of course I had forgotten about the 3 hour time change I think it is 8 am Judi thinks it is 11 am. Ok where’s the coffee.


Off back into town and we manage to get stuck in a traffic jam on the Motorway (freeway). I think it is a particularly English thing that we would build a highway road system which is in fact now slower that the ordinary road it was built to avoid. Anyway the fastest way to travel these days seems the be by avoiding the motorways altogether. Park the hire car at Hammersmith and get the Tube (that train that goes underground) into Leicester square and walk backwards to Covent garden. Now the experts amongst you will be thinking Hammersmith ?? You could get off at Covent Garden why go to Leicester Square. Good question and the answer is Covent Garden has a lift which you get squashed into and not an escalator it makes Judi nervous and given my sole purpose in life it to make her happy what’s a 10 minute walk.


We meet up with friends from way back and there two charming girls. A coffee and a pint later we are off to the next appointment. First a quick trip into Marks & Spencer Food court for Pork pies and sandwiches. Pork pies are a very English thing and not a delicacy you tend to find once you leave this isle. There are not many things I miss about the land of my birth but Pork pies probably top the list. (then Baxter’s beetroot).


Back on the tube ( train thing) we pass the food back and forth much to the annoyance of everyone else in the carriage. I half expected someone to tut at us. I know alcohol is banned aud not sure if food is as well but I am hungry so I am willing to take the risk. Off at Hammersmith and walk to our friends. They live in a quiet side street which we have visited more times than we care to remember. This is a special trip a first baby for them and a new traveling companion for us. We arrive just as the new Paternal grandparents are leaving to go shopping so we probably have a couple of hours before they return. Bev and Richard are beaming and full of hospital and baby story’s. The best being when the surgeon had finished explaining all about the intricacies and inherent risks of the cesarean he was about to perform and asked Richard if he had any questions the response was “Am I ok to use the flash on my camera in there” a line which I am sure will live with him for a long while.


Judi was against her will required to hold Harry Edward Hawk as he will be known, an experience she does not particularly enjoy but has little option to go along with. All she could say is its (he) is so heavy (around 9lbs so yes a bit) and look at those fingernails. The only other significant comment was Judi asking where are we going on vacation next summer. So seems like Harry has been accepted and whilst I am sure there will be some limitations to our holiday adventures I am sure we can find somewhere acceptable to everyone.


Maybe a house in the South of France with a nice garden and a dog now where have I heard that one recently.

The curious case of the dog on the lawn


The curious case of the dog on the lawn


Now if Judi were reading this she would correct me and tell you its “the curious incident of the dog in the night-time” a book by Mark Haddon. Judi has this inbuilt translator for me she knows what I mean even though I don’t say it. Such as I can come home and confidently say ”I bumped into Tony Brown today” and Judi will say “you mean Tom Green don’t you” and of course I do. It is slightly unnerving but we get by.


Anyway the reason for the title is linked of course to the book. I don’t read many novels (more of a factual reader and mostly history but I read this book quite a while back and it is about an autistic boy who is trying to solve a canine murder. During the book he has to take a tube (remember like a train but it goes underground) and he sits on the platform counting and timing the trains before getting the courage to actually get on one.


Well that was where I was, I was at the Embankment station on route to Heathrow to pick up yet another hire car. Avis this time as Hertz had run out which was interesting given only yesterday they sent me an email telling me “we miss you” and they were looking forward to seeing me again soon (I have hired two cars from them in the last two weeks, go figure).


So navigate the ticket machine after I had helped the Croatian load up his Oyster card. Through the special needs barrier as I have a rucksack with two Pc’s and a case to cover everything I need for my three week trip. Found the correct line “District” correct platform “West bound” carried the case down the stairs and was now on the platform standing as close to the wall as possible. There are trains and people coming thick and fast but not all going where I was so it was a case of being able to step forward at the right moment to try and squeeze myself onto the correct train. Standing there it seemed like I was in one of those music videos where the singer is stationary and everyone else is moving at high speed. It was easier to just stand there, maybe in five minutes it will be quieter, maybe the next one will have more space, Maybe if I stand here for a while the Enterprise will lock onto me and just beam me aboard. I fear if I step out at the wrong moment with my case I could do some serious damage to the flow of humanity sweeping past me.


I develop a plan at the next human gap I will step forward to the edge of the platform and then wait for the right train. I only have to let four trains pass before I manage to get aboard. Tip always push your case in first people naturally shy away in the face of a big suitcase. If you get on with your suitcase after you then you are the one in the way.


Now we are on our way. Change at Hammersmith to the “Piccadilly” line and off at Heathrow. Some confusion with the signage and terminal 1 ceases to exist halfway along. Somehow I end up at terminal 2 ok no bother there will be shuttle busses from there. A ten minute wait was ok and onto the bus. Round trip to terminal 3 where someone tries to get on with 3 suit cases and 8 people. Too much for our half full carriage so we decline him and radio for a bus just for him (and the other 7).


No issue with the car hire no inquisition about why the license is English, credit card is American and Address is Russian. I was quite disappointed really. I speed off into the night well as far as terminal 5 which is where Judi is coming. 10:30 pm arrival and with the time drop her body clock will register 1:30 am.


I have my “this is you Husband” sign for her so she will recognize me so lets see how it goes.


The book by the way was worth reading so if you remember next time you are in the book store give it a try.
I still have not managed to get that Clive James one. I must try again I have a 12 hour flight coming up and Suduko may not be enough

She wants a sign


Judi and I were talking earlier about her trip to London this weekend (remember we are going to see Bev and Richard and the new baby) anyway for some reason I have become the logistics coordinator. Not only did I have to book the flight for her I had to pay for it although my airmiles took the edge of the cost. I also have to hire a car and pick her up. Ok so none of this sounds too much however she asked for a sign so she can find me.


Now I was thinking later “so she can find me” forgive me I have only been away a week. We have known each other for 19 years connected for 15 and we have been married for approaching 11 years so you would think she would remember what I look like. Anyway I will of course make a sign for my darling babe.


It will read “Judi This One Is Your Husband


I got some of my equipment today, a “Blackberry” something which I have managed to avoid so far. I always thought that having a hand held device with email was somewhat of an invasion of privacy. I used to run 12 hour days as a norm and longer when I was travelling so never really off line for long. I did consider putting it onto my iPod but decided it would be the last nail in the coffin. We tend to open up email in the mornings and from that moment on everyone else rules your life. We play “whack a mole” responding and forwarding email like it’s a bad case of swine flu. (Apologies to Berni and Michelle who came down with a bad case of it immediately after I had left them on Sunday, it was not me honest it must have been someone at the car boot sale). So when exactly did we stop doing work and just do email. Ask yourself when was the last time you shut down email for a couple of hours and got on with a bit of work. Have we developed the ability to multi task (women exclude they always could) can we actually have email open and not respond to that ping or little screen note. Perhaps we need a national no email day or week?


Anyway I am now in instant and immediate, continuous contact with the world via Email, voicemail and the web, I can record my voice, take pictures and video, type myself memo’s and open spreadsheets. Not that my technical capabilities match this wondrous machines so I will probably use it as a phone. Ce la vie


So what else. Well the hotel lifts are working fine tonight which is good. There is torrential rain right now which managed to invade the lower level of the restaurant I was quietly having dinner in. So much so they had to evacuate it. A long line of diners walking past carrying the remnants of their dinners with them. Not sure exactly where they ended up I was engrossed in my Steak and Guinness pie. My Blackberry started to vibrate its way across the table, think that probably means something but not sure what and given nobody knows the number yet think I will leave it until the morning. Not sure I am at the point yet where I am ok to read email during dinner (the voice said it might be important Stephen but I ignore it and order another pint of warm beer).

So where was I ?


Well in a hotel facing Trafalgar square which is about as central London as you can get. The place is teeming with tourists with maps stopping every 100 yards and pointing in different directions. Laughingly some have even asked me for assistance. Maybe I just look like I know where I am. Lots of locals rushing around being busy. There are far to many bicycles for my liking possibly something to do with the congestion charges people have to pay to drive a car around here. Watch out world it will happen where you live soon mark my words, cars are an easy target for money, tax, insurance, petrol(gas), parking , parking fines, clamping, speeding fines, tolls, emission all these are the price we pay for trying to get around. There are also lots of people actually running around and none of them looking like they are enjoying it much. They look more like they are in pain. I give them a wide berth I am not good at first aid. I am also paying close attention to crossing the road as I struggle to remember which way to look so staying on the side of caution.


It is the first time I have ever worked in the center of London normally it is just a quick dash in and out but this time I get the chance to hang around after work and saunter around the sites playing at being a tourist. Big Ben, Houses of Parliament, Cleopatra’s needle (saw the other in Luxor) London Eye, Covent Garden and lots lots more although the museums and gallery’s are closed by the time I fininsh.


I have noticed here is lots of security around not because it is actually dangerous more to deter it. When I was out for a smoke break I could see 7 CCTV cameras keeping an eye on me and there were probably more. I read somewhere that England has more cameras per person than any other country. Not sure if this actually stops crime or just records it in High Definition. I wonder if the technology is capable of facial recognition ? They can identify a car plate even if it is traveling at over 70 miles an hour so you would think they could identify a pickpocket or the participants of the brawl outside the pub.


You should see me crisp dark blue suit shirt and tie I really think I look the part. Lets hope they never see through the disguise. Not got my Pc and account yet they say its an 8 week process so I told them I could order one custom built and get it hand delivered from China faster than they could get one up 2 floors of the same building. Lets see if that stirs them into some action. Despite this I am managing to keep myself busy doing stuff. Having fun dissecting the IMPACT report. (This is an in joke for some readers apologies to the rest of you)


Just booked a flight to get Judi over at the weekend one of her best friends has just had her first baby so a quick visit is in order. Bev and Richard have been our constant vacation partners for a very long time. From Dubai to Las Vegas, India to Peru and many many places in between we have had plenty of adventures and now we get an extra team member and built in babysitters for them. I think there is still lots of fun to be had.


Not my week for technology a I am still struggling to get my mini Pc working to specification although I think I may have touch a raw nerve as they did contact we with some things I could try instead of constantly telling me to ship it back to the USA because they is where I purchased it. That might just qualify as perverse logic as they sell them everywhere and repair them everywhere but I need to send mine back to the point of origin. They did not seem amused when I casually suggested it should go to China then. I believe the differentiator between firms is their attitude to their customers after they have your money not before. Anyone can be nice when they are selling you something a really great company makes sure they keep you.


My hotel seems to have a confused lift I tried to get from reception to the eighth floor to my room this evening but once inside it refused to accept my command in fact it would not accept any command it mattered not which button was pressed. All it would do was open and close the doors. (Do you really want to go to your room now Stephen would’nt you like a nice glass of beer instead the voice very much like the one from the cooker at home said inside mt head)  After a couple more people got in and got the same response and then a couple more I decided like a good citizen to go and inform reception. Explaining what was happening I was met with these responses
Me “one of the lifts is not working I pressed several buttons without response and someone else tried as well its not moving” 


He “Are you sure” (think he has a relative working in a cinema somewhere)


I calmly responded by asking if I was on the eighth floor


He “ no sir you are in reception”,


Me “well I am pretty sure” I said.


He “did you press the button sir” (Ok stay calm)


Me “yes I believe I did, several in fact”


He “and it did not go to the eighth floor”


Me “is reception on the eighth floor”


He “no sir it is on the ground floor”


Me “well I am pretty sure”


He “thank you for letting me know”


Me “you are more than welcome”


At this point I decide to go to the bar across the road for a drink rather than go to my room. (good choice Stephen the voice said)


As I pass the lift the doors open and another 4 people try to get in, “have a nice day “I say as saunter past.


 

Perverse logic


I have a phrase for anything which defies normal convention. When the rule you have to follow does not make any sense at all.
A good example of this occurred over the weekend which I spent with Berni and Michelle in the back of beyond. The actual name is Stones Green and it is lost somewhere between Colchester and Clacton-on-Sea in Essex. I arrived in Colchester after a 3 hour drive where I had managed to cover probably 120 miles on London’s premier motorway the infamous M25. Part of the problem was due to widening works which started the day after it was opened in 1985 and someone realized they should have built it with more than 3 lanes so first they added a 4th lane in places put on variable speed limits to slow you down and currently they are extending it to 6 lanes.


So not the best of journeys but I enjoyed my hire car. It is a stick shift and I have been driving automatics for around 5 years and the first thing you notice is that you can rev the engine. With an automatic you put you foot down and “eventually” the speed increase. With a stick shift you get that immediate kick and it is fun. Still have to be careful as I am on the ”correct” side of the road and some of the rules are different.


Worth commenting that the girl at the car hire noticed I had an English driving license and American credit card and a Russian address. I asked if she wanted me to explain but she knew it would only slow is down so to her credit she said it should be fine.


On to Colchester which was a big Roman city back in the day and needed rebuilding after the Boudicca rebellion (you can Google her). I also has some fine Norman churches which have probably not been updated since they were built. So off to see my brother and find a cute little house in a little knot of houses which is less than a village (no pond I think) a very nice garden on the side with some of my favorite flowers a little grass and a sweet if energetic dog. Anyone who knows my personal dream will remember a house in the country with a garden and a dog. Now this particular brother is much younger than me and he seems to have been living my dream for a couple of years now which is just not cricket as we would say. Not seen Berni and Michelle for probably 3 or 3.5 years but it only feels like yesterday and the conversation is easy as we catch up on family events. We organize a Sunday morning trip to a boot sale which is just a market for people ot sell their personal belongings and very random they will be. I arrive the following morning at 8:30 ready to tramp around a field for 2 or 3 hours. Boot sales in England are an interesting insight into our culture and now firmly entrenched in our Sunday morning rituals. For the American readers think of all of the garage sales in a 20 mile radius being in the same place. You have to pay to sell things and you have to pay to get in to buy things. The process is you go and buy other peoples crap (sorry) until you have collected enough crap (sorry) to set up and sell your crap (sorry) to everyone else.


That is not the perverse logic. Boot sales are normally in a field somewhere fairly remote and given you will be buying things you normally go by car. At this particular site it costs 50 pence for every car but a full pound if you come on foot. Now forgive me but cars normally take 4 people so it is slightly bizarre to charge people double for walking in especially as their carbon footprint will be negligible. Maybe I missed something but a pound to walk in as half a pound to drive 4 people in seems wrong. All I buy is a few DVD of an English sit com “Gavin and Stacy” which Judi will be pleased about. (I am not spoiling the surprise by commenting as she isn’t reading the blog yet). Anyway a fine time is had by all.


Given my experience of getting to Stones Green I give myself 4 hours to get back and decide to go clockwise this time over the Dartford bridge. I manage to get back to the car rental in just over 2. I enjoyed the drive which was quite fast most of the way. Not sure if I will get a few follow up letters regarding speeding fines but it was fun whilst it lasted. Back to Heathrow to pick up my Tube (it’s like a train but it goes underground remember) Piccadilly line to Hammersmith (sorry Bev and Richard I was on a schedule) switch to the district line and off at the embankment. A very short walk to the hotel and there is Trafalgar square with Nelson on top of his column. Another weekend gone and a new adventure about to begin so must iron a shirt they have been crushed into my case for too long.